Make Britain Great Again: Friends, Brexit is a good thing, a really good thing. We had to Brexit because Britain isn’t Great anymore. We’re not. The Brexit was a start, but not nearly enough, not close to nearly enough. We don’t win anymore. Friends, what was the last war we won? The Falkland Islands? You’ve got to be kidding me. That was a joke; no one wants that place. It’s terrible. Hundreds of people have told me that it’s filled with goats. The place is crawling with goats—and, by the way, friends, no one buys goat meat. Worthless. Totally worthless. We shouldn’t be there.
That’s not our only problem. Look at the royals. Who isn’t sick of seeing pictures of a 100-year-old frump everywhere? I can’t open a letter without seeing her in one of her ugly hats. They’re disgusting. Do us a favor, Liz, retire. Oh wait, you can’t because who’d take over, your son? Charlie is weak, totally weak. Jeb Bush weak. Probably vegetarian weak. Charlie had a wife so supermodel hot, I would have dated her. Then he divorces her and marries a broad about as old as his mum. Crazy Charlie is totally unfit for the throne.
And now, we’ve really, really, really hit bottom with London. We let all the foreigners in and what do they do? They elect a terrorist mayor. When I’m elected, we’re going to get rid of the foreigners, and I’m going find Charlie a good-looking mistress.
Make France Great: The truth is, folks, we were never great. Yes, I’m including Napoleon. The guy was small, small hands too, if you know what I mean. I’m told that his children weren’t even his. As for me, no problem in that area. I’ve got five kids, and I’m not stopping. When you’re married to a supermodel, you want more, and I’m virile. Very big hands.
Though we were never great, we were decent at some things—like wine. But now we can’t compete because of unfair trade deals made by our moronic leaders. California is killing us. Chile is killing us. Australia is killing us. I’m told by Naomi Watts and Mel Gibson, who by the way are great Australian friends of mine, that kangaroos are trained to pick grapes. Unfair.
When I’m president, we are going to rewrite the terrible, terrible trade deals, outlaw unions, and stop all the strikes. These guys strike if their boss tells them to go get him a cup of coffee. Unions are extremely bad and very, very corrupt. If we could kill all the union leaders, I wouldn’t shed a tear for those bloodsucking job destroyers.
[Garbled question from the press.] What? That was a joke. C’mon, folks, I would never urge my followers to murder union leaders, whose offices are located at 21 Rue Jules. But if they were to, say, have an “accident,” not a single patriot would shed a tear. Because if it weren’t for unions, we’d be building iPhone factories here. Where they belong. Tim Cook loves me.
Make Greece Half as Good as America: You know Loudmouth Guy in America, the one who says, “Make America great again”? Is that clown mainlining ouzo or what? If you want a place that is not great, come to Greece. America not great? She’s killing us. Just killing us. Biggest economy in the world. Lowest unemployment. Biggest companies. Sexiest women. And Greece? We’re outsourcing our shwarma to places like the Falkland Islands.
Friends, let me remind you that we were once the biggest thing in the world. We invented science. We invented politics. We invented philosophy. We had Sophocles, Aristotle, Socrates, the Olympics, Homer, and really, really powerful gods. If you were a sexy virgin, some god-dude from Olympus would come down and impregnate you. That’s how it worked, folks. And when I’m president, that’s how it’s going to be.
Loudmouth Guy, you are so wrong. We are the country that is extremely not great. Does America have 25 percent unemployment? Has it spent the last 2,300 years being a third-rate has-been? Is your shwarma made of goat? And do you want to know why we are so much worse? No one pays taxes. Not even me. We all get away with it. We have to simplify the tax code and chop off the small hands of those who don’t pay. Start doing that and we’ll be great. It’ll be amazing. Really amazing.
Make Judaism Smart Again: Maybe 2,000 years ago, you could call that thing in Jerusalem a wall. But now, no. It’s small, really small. The Chinese, now that’s a wall. Israel and China go to a bar and try to pick up a sexy country. Who’s the sexy country going to go home with? Not the country with the small wall. My Chinese pal Xi tells me the Huns paid for it. After Mao kicked their butts in the Opium War, he made them pay for it and build it.
We need to circle Israel with a real wall and keep out the Palestinian terrorists, thieves, and rapists. Let me clarify for the sleazebag reporters who will again quote me wrong. I am not racist. Some Palestinians are good. They work for me. They are very, very hard workers. They like the heat; they were born to labor. Truth is, haverim, Palestinians love me.
Judaism just doesn’t win anymore. The Torah used to be the world’s greatest book. Does it get a smash Broadway musical? The Book of Mormon does, and that book is totally incomprehensible. We Jews used to be smart. Something like every other Nobel Prize winner was a Jew. Like 50 percent. Look at last year’s winners. Not one. Not even Economics.
Trust me. I’ll make us smart again.
Make Hamas Put Fear in Infidels Again: Habibi, look around the Middle East. Look at ISIS. They’ve got Russia and the West pissing their pants. The Taliban. Do they cry when drones wipe out a generation of leaders? No, they get new ones and kill more infidels. Then there’s us, Hamas. We can’t even toss the Zionist weaklings into the sea. Didn’t we write the book on terrorism? Did we not invent car bombing? These days, try finding a single kid willing to be a suicide bomber. Can’t be done. It’s like no one wants to sleep with seventy-two virgins anymore. It’s so sad.
When was the last time you saw kids burn the Zionist flag? I don’t remember either. The Zionists invade Gaza like they own us. No respect. I can get them to respect us. We’re going to build an atom bomb—a big one, it’s going to be beautiful—and the best thing is I’m going to get the Zionists to pay for it. I’m close pals with the Iranian ayatollahs; they’ll do the specifics. I don’t do the details. I’m a big picture man.
Make the Yankees Great Again: Can you believe how bad we stink? We used to be great. How many World Championships do we have? C’mon, guess. Twenty-seven. What about the Cardinals, the number-two team? Eleven. But you wouldn’t know it from watching us play today. We’re almost at the bottom of our division. Disgusting.
We pay higher salaries than almost everyone else. The problem is we don’t know how to make a deal. We are getting clobbered by these ripoff players who get paid big bucks but can’t win games. When I’m in charge we’re going to start winning. Guys don’t win, they’re out the door. No place for losers here. They don’t want to win, they go back to Cuba or wherever the hell they came from. I’m going to rip up their green cards and send them back to Havana on a leaky raft. As soon as I’m at the helm, we’ll be winning. I can make the Yankees great again. Trust me.